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Batttttty gets her pulse checked by Doctor Doctor Dairve Wood |
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Here
is Dairve, trying to look angry as I crawl across his floor. Of course, he's not a real doctor, it's just one of those titles they give you at University when they know you aren't good enough at hard sums to get a proper job. So, girls, if ever he tells you to strip off behind the screen while he warms his hands..... don't go there, ok. Please learn from my mistakes. Anyway, after he'd given me a thorough examination and taken my temperature a few times, I asked him all the questions that I knew you'd want me to ask him. |
| OK,
darlin, you're bound to be nervous talking to me, cos it don't happen
very often does it, hahahaha - so first of all, just to settle you
in, we'll start with an easy question. You're a Maths Lecturer,
so tell us... what's one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus
one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one
plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus
one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one
plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus
one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one
plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one. Errrr...
ohhhhh.... errrrrrrr...... duhhhhhhhh.... no, hold on, I know this
one... Quickkkkk, come on - Sorry darlin, your time's up.
Hopeless.... But you knowwww I can only do
sums that have squiggles and square roots in them - that one wasn't
complicated enough for my mega-intelligent brain to tackle.
OK then, let's try a verbal equation. Give me a verbal equation
as to why you do the job you do. Errr... I
don't know. What job DO I do? My mind has gone completely blank,
and I now look and feel exakkerly like a rabbit caught in the headlights.
Utterly hopeless. (For those of you who don't know - this
was part of an actual conversation, the details of which are too
embarrassing even for Me to go into, but suffice to say that Dairve's
inclusion in the credits on the sleevenotes of a certain rockstar's
album is totally down to PITY on the part of the rockstar). OK, let's move on to some UFO-related questions. Have you ever played the UFO-lyric game, where you hold a conversation with someone in an internet chatroom, and every line of the conversation has to be a UFO lyric or song-title? Oh yes, indeed I have! It's a great game! I always win!!! And have you played that game since Wendi's website, which contained all the lyrics and song-titles to every UFO song, went offline? Errrrm...... No. No, I thought not. Tell Me Why..... Errrrrrmmmm.... You Don't Foooooooooool Me.... you just Couldn't Get It Right, could ya. You were Born To Lose..... |
| Obviously,
as a Maths Lecturer, your workload is pretty intense. Take us
through a typical working week, which starts at around 10.30 on
a Tuesday morning, and finishes about 3.30 on a Thurday afternoon.
I bet there are some days when you only get time for about 8 games
of Quake, aren't there. Tell us all about Quake, that fascinating
online game of killing pretend people in pretend forests with
pretend swords. And what's all that about on your website, where
it says Download My Skin, or whatever disgusting filth it says?
Blimey. OK
well first off, it's not a 'game', it's a series of tournaments.
And it's not 'Quake', it's 'Quake 3'. And it's not 'pretend' anything.
It's virtual tactical warfare and is also an invaluable exercise
in concentration, decision-making and crisis-management. Plus
it gives me something to do at work, and I haven't got any real
friends to play with - except you - and you won't play with me
these days cos you're always so busy with all your rockstars.
But
darlin, my rockstars neeeeeeeed me. Well
I need you too! Yeh........
I know! Mmmnnbnbmnbmbnbmbnbmmm. |
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Hey, one thing that many people remark upon when they meet you is your youthful boyish good looks. Have you ever been out for a curry with a woman and been mistaken for her son? Errr... yes... once. And how did you react when this happened? And how did you react when your 'mother' crushed your poppadoms into little pieces and shoved the mangled remains up your nose? Please don't remind me of that night! I was still a nervous wreck from picking a fight with that fella at Rio's who was trying to get you to dance with him. I should have let you deal with him yourself - how was I to know that he would be seven feet tall? When he was kneeling in front of ya, begging you to dance with him (or whatever it was he was doing) he looked quite normal. Yeh... right... and you would know 'normal' if it jumped up and bit you on the nose, would ya? Talkin of which, did your nose ever heal up properly after he'd finished with it? No - I look more like Phil Mogg than ever now! You're right! It's uncanny! |
| OK, back to UFO stuff. When did you start your website? And why? And why did you stop updating it? And why haven't you re-named 'Dairve's Daily' as 'Woody's Weekly'? Or even more realistically.... 'Pathetic Excuse For A Webmaster's Once In A Misty Green and Blue Moon's Half-Hearted Attempt At An Update'. I started the site cos at the time there was nothing else on the internet about UFO. Plus I thought it might be a way of getting a backstage pass at UFO gigs, or at least gettin in for nothing. Hmmm.... good thinking - wish I'd thought of that! Of course, since then, loads of other UFO websites have started up - and most of them have fallen by the wayside, hahahaha, cos mine is by far the best. Second-best, sweetheart. Of course, yes, second-best! And Dairve's Daily is something that I promise to update far more often now you've humiliated me about it in front of all the SITN readers. I've been hopeless, I admit it. I really haven't given the time to my website that UFO deserves, especially the Latest News page. I've let everyone down - the band, the fans, myself, you, everyone. If only there was someone I could trust with my password who would update my site for me. Yeh... if only... |  |
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OK, let's talk about Rocknroll. There have been many surreal moments when we've been on the road together, not least the one where we were on the Larry Pharks World Tour and a Japanese girl offered us money to share our hotel room. What the hell was all that about? You do know that she had night-vision on that camera of hers, don't ya. And why did you spend half the night on the floor? Was it your normal excuse of not being able to get up? You said you wouldn't tell anyone about that. Well, I lied - tough. Fair enough. Hey, did that fella across the dining room at breakfast really have The Final Countdown as his cellphone ringtone? And did John Norum really not recognise it? That WAS surreal. Hahah yeh! All my best moments happen when I'm with you, Battttttty. You should get out more, darlin. (If only they'd let ya, haha). Hey, talking of surreal hotel experiences... the pink chiffon dress, the inflatable sheep, the transparent shower curtain... What?????? You didn't know that the shower curtain became transparent when it was wet? Hahahha, in that case I bet you also didn't know that all the time you were trying to wrap the curtain around yourself, we could all see your arse in the bathroom mirror. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! |
| Do you have any funny road stories? What about that one-way-street in Liverpool - that was quite a funny road story. Howwwwww many times did we go round that roundabout? And what about when we were going through London (yessssssss..... to the gig that I said I didn't want to go to, but you insisted I didddddd, and yesssss, you were right all alonggggggggg - thanks for not letting me forget it... ) ..... yeh, going through London, and some barrrrrrrrrstard had been to London the day before and re-numbered all the roads, changed all the signposts and put dead-ends where there used to be motorways. How you kept your temper, I'll never know. Oh yeh, that's right, you didn't, did ya. Highway To Hell indeed. Remind me NEVER to get into a car with you ever again. Well you should have let me read the map right from the beginning. But you were holding it upside down! That's cos I was driving upside down. Yeh, the bloody car was nearly upside down more than once. No it wasn't, I was in complete control at all times. Hah! When were you ever in complete control of anything - don't make me laugh! I saiddddd don't make me laugh - stop pulling that silly face. I'm not pulling a silly face, this is my normal face. It just happens to be a face that makes you laugh. Darlin, your whole body makes me laugh. Even the bits that make me cry make me laugh, hahaha. Anyway, Liverpool was fun, once we'd managed to park the car. Yeh! Did we really slap a fake parking ticket on the tourbus? Yeh!!! Remember walking to the kebab shop at two in the morning, with me wearing my 5-feet wingspan black feather batwings, and people pretending not to notice. Yeh, nobody batttttted an eyelid, did they! Oh very clever!!! Hey, remember in London when we cadged a lift back to the hotel from that journalist, just cos we kind of let him believe that we'd get him an interview with Don Dokken, and then we just left him sitting in the bar while we cleared off. I bet he's still sittin there, hahahaha. |
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Hey, here's a bizarre weirdness... Have you ever woken up
in the morning to find that your laundry basket has completely disappeared?
Yeh - how spooky is that! And it's happened
more than once! Well it was a stupid place to put it, right
on the corner of the stairs - anyone could have tripped over it
and fallen down the stairs on their way to make an early-morning
cup of tea. You could have been killed outright. Oh yeh, you never
make a cup of tea, do ya. Well, that means I, Me, Batttttty could
have plummeted to a horrific and degrading demise. Hmmm...... (Batttttty
takes time to let this idea sink in). I thought I was doing you
a favour by moving it. Anyway, the last time it happened, did you
ever find it? No. Blimey. Then it must
still be in the garden behind Flop's hutch. Must be pretty whiffy
by now. Hey, talking of things that smell a bit dodgy - when did
you start dressing up as Tina Turner? Cos if I remember rightly,
it started out as a mild Jon Bon Jovi fetish, yeh? Then people started
mistaking you in the street for Ms Turner. And then the whole leopardskin
thanggg started to take over your life, yeh? Look, this is your
chance to explain - don't waste it! You never know when you might
need to refer to this page in court! Look,
I was drunk - it really did only happen once. Hmm, good job
I took plenty of photos then, aint it! Hey, here's a subject we haven't talked about yet - you go running, don't ya. Proper running, not just jogging. Why? What are you running from? I'm not running from anything you silly cow. I'm running cos it keeps me fit. But you're NOT fit! You've always got a broken/bruised/twisted ankle/foot/groin/toe/knee etc. And anyway, when you come back from a run you always look terrible (not that you didn't look terrible before you started out, of course, haha). Hey, remember that time that kid beat you up? Hilarious! Especially when you told the police you'd been mugged. He was only seven! |
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| Anyway, I seem to be doing all the talking here. Better give you a chance to say something, even if it's nothing particularly intelligent. Let's have a word-association game. Just say the first word or phrase that comes into your head after each of these - |
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Pete Way - IS rock-n-roll!
Yeh......! Inflatable insects - keep going down on me. I wish you wouldn't keep saying that. Best UFO-related site on the internet - SITN... oops... shit... can I change that? I meant mine... Too late, you've said it now. HEAVY METAL KIDS - Hit The Right Button... out now.. £9.99 from all good bargain bins... buy it! Manchester - Spike did it. Hyacinth Bucket - Tacky Welsh seaside towns, eccentric Germans, flavourless curries and a great weekend! Camera Obscura! Mr. Floppy - Mrs. Mandelbrot. Nobody's gonna understand a word of this, hahaha. Alpha Centauri - Hahahaha.. Batttttty saying "What's this album, don't think I've heard it before'!!!!! Friday - I'm a loser running up the highway to rock bottom with the lights out but try me before I shoot shoot. Then I can get away on a mystery train and be alone again, or... Hahahaha |
| Awwww...
those Fridays were great weren't they. Simple pleasures, but lots
of fun. Yeh... Yehhhhhhh.... Yehhhhhhh
..... great fun. We really should get back to this interview
you know - people will be gettin bored. No....
let's talk about Fridays a bit longer. Mmmm.... yehhh.... Yehhhhhh....
no, we really should crack on with the interview. OK,
if we must.... OK, what has been the best Christmas present that you've ever unwrapped at three o'clock in the morning, a week before Christmas? Hahahahaha, yeh, that one! And it wasn't even a Friday! Hey, we've had some great times haven't we. And all for the glory of SITN. Remember Mr. and Mrs. Mandelbrot and Mandy their Brottweiler? Yehhhh.... And the nun who was going like the clappers on the exercise bike? Hahaha, yehhhhh.... Remember the jar of honey and the buzzzzybeee? And the jar of mustard and the Bazzzybeee? Yehhh......... Yehhhhhh....... And the GST mug? Aaahhh, yehhhh! We've had some wonderful times, haven't we. The castle that floated into the sea? And when you taught that rockstar how to walk like an ant, and before you could say 'transcendental' he was RUNNING like an ant! And the incident with the Ferrero Rochers and the video camera. Aaaahhhhh, hahaha. Yehhh....... Wonderful times.... Not to mention the sun-tan lotion.... PLEASE DON'T MENTION THE SUN-TAN LOTION! Hahahaha, ok! Wonderful wonderful times. OK, snuggle up and go to sleep now - I've got a long day tomorra, gotta type up this damn interview. Get your knee out of my ribs and let me sleep, damn you. |
This interview © Batttttty - 16th October 2003 |
