Batttttty lingers alonga
Dave Ling

Dave Ling is the music journalist who has long been keeping the flag flying and the flame burning for mulleted music fans the world over, as writer of some of the most enlightening, passionate, and well-researched articles in magazines such as Classic Rock, Metal Hammer and RAW.

I caught up with him at the rehearsals of his new Village People tribute band (Dave is the 'M' in the YMCA line-up here), and after a rousing SingalongaLing ring-a-ding fling thing, I asked him about his passion for UFO, his disturbing thoughts about politicians wearing spandex, and why he persists in supporting a football team who have totally lost the plot (but Dave thinks they maybe got it back when they won the play-offs and were re-promoted to the premiership)

Blimey Dave, I'm worn out already! Whewwww! OK, when you've got your breath back, tell me, apart from the much-hyped Village People tribute band revival, what do you think is the most exciting thing happening in the world of rock’n’roll at the moment? The very fact that rock’n’roll seems to be a genuine force once again is reason enough to celebrate, if you ask me. The depression of the grunge years was terrible, but the baggy-trousered nu-metal phase that followed it was equally frustrating. I got so sick and tired of seeing photos of Kurt Cobain that when the news came through that he’d shot himself, I admit I almost organised myself a street party. Now that I’m a father myself, I find what he chose to do even more pitiful (and I’m a little ashamed of my knee-jerk reaction). But I digress. It’s awesome that rock’n’roll, hard rock, traditional metal – whatever you chose to call it – no longer seems to be a dirty word. Guitars are once again being slung low, and nobody in their right mind is afraid to admit they like a good, hummable riff. Let’s enjoy it while we can 'cos no doubt the wheel will soon be turning again, and all the sheep that bought an Iron Maiden or Motörhead T-shirt last summer because it was cool will move onto the next fad. Anyway, rant over.

What are your views on the Act Of Parliament which is currently going through, which will make it compulsory for all men to wear tigerprint spandex, even on building sites? I’m all for it. The politicians should also be made to abide by the same dress code. I can just imagine John Prescott in cowboy boots, tight black jeans, with hair and mascara in the style of Mötley Crüe’s Nikki Sixx. Or maybe David Blunkett. Uuuuuuggghhh!

Which reviews or articles that you've written are you most proud of? Which ones stick out in your memory from your 20+ years of writing? I enjoyed going to San Francisco to see Kiss playing a rare club date circa the ‘Revenge’ album. Hanging around with them while they did radio appearances was fun, and they were so quotable. You could almost put the recorder in front of them, ask a question and come back in an hour. Paul Stanley’s comment that the band had "nodded off" during the previous decade was a major admission. As unlikely as it might now sound, Gene Simmons also offered extraordinarily good company. What a shame he’s now become such a complete self-obsessed arsehole. Hah!

Have you ever written a review that has come back to haunt you? I was very critical of Guns N’ Roses ‘Appetite For Destruction’ when it first came out. That didn’t exactly go down too well with the band when I was asked to interview them, and when their publicist ushered me into the room with the words, ‘This is Dave from Metal Hammer. He’s the one that thinks the album’s shit’.

Do you listen to an album differently depending on whether you are doing a review of it or not? Can you 'switch off' if it's not for a written review and just enjoy it for what it is - or do you listen and assess each record in the same kinda way? Believe me, when you’re paid by the word you have to listen to a lot of music every month. A lot of shit music, too. I try not to differentiate between what I play for pure enjoyment and what I know I’ll have to try to make a critical appraisal of.

I heard a rumour that you once vomited profusely at the feet of Geoff Downes. Wow, that is so-o-o-o rock’n’roll! It wasn’t vomit in the traditional sense, I had a cold at the time and it was more a stream of alcohol and mucous, jointly delivered via the mouth and nostrils. Yuck – but you did ask! To Geoff’s eternal credit, once the shock had worn off, he found it as amusing as everyone else in the room. Sounds like my kinda party!
Is there anyone else you’d like to vomit on? The Dorkness spring immediately to mind. Those falsetto vocals! Those humungous egos! Could you believe it when that Derek Smalls (Spinal Tap) lookalike bassist of theirs said their one and only album had better songs on it than Mötley Crüe’s ‘Greatest Hits’? Those dipsticks are Lowestoft’s Greatest Tits if you ask me. Also, Blaze Bayley, formerly Iron Maiden ‘vocalist’ – and I use the term very loosely indeed. He apparently wrote a song about me on his last album. That was an honour. Not.
Have any rockstars ever vomited on YOU? Or are there any rockstars that you would like to vomit on you? No, but I gather Blaze would like to deposit a pavement pizza upon me, at the very least. He reckons I hate him and want to destroy his career. Firstly, I felt sorry for him in Maiden because he was so out of his depth, and as for destroying his career – he’s doing a good enough job of that on his own. Oooohhhhhh, I hope you're not gonna hit him with your famous handbag! Is his name on there anywhere? Hmmm... no, can't see it!

You’ve cited Pete Way as being one of your favourite people to interview. Tell us some Pete Way interview-incidents. There are just too many to list. Mr Way is always good value in front of a tape recorder. But most of my favourite anecdotes involving him didn’t take place in a work scenario. I once accepted an invitation to one of Pete’s New Year parties in Birmingham and almost died of alcohol poisoning, not to mention a sense of mortified shame at my own drunken behaviour. Never, ever try to compete with that man. It’s a recipe for doom. The most entertaining thing about Pete is that you never know what to expect from him. He came into London once and invited myself and my Classic Rock colleagues Malcolm Dome and Jerry Ewing along for a bevy or 20 at his hotel. Both of these guys have been acquainted with Pete for years, especially Malcolm. We’d been sitting in the bar for a couple of hours before there was a lull in the conversation and a quizzical Pete turned to Jerry and said: "I’m sorry, do I know you?". We had to assure him that, yes, he did know Jerry, he himself was Mr Peter Way and that he was buying the next round. Hahaha, yeh, that's our Pete!

What bands in the last year or so have made you go 'wwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhoooaaaaaableedntasticfandabbbbbbbadeedoooodarosa'? New ones, you mean? Well there are a few exciting ones on the way through. America’s Silvertide are a thoroughly exciting prospect for the future; raw, exciting and with great rock’n’roll songs. I’ve also got great hopes for a young Brit band called Hurricane Party. John Kalodner just signed them to Sanctuary Records and their debut EP is raucous and fun, capturing the spirit of many established names.

You've interviewed rockstars at all levels of their career - when they're scrambling their way up the ladder, when they're perched right up there on the rocknroll windowsill clinging on for dear life, and years later when they're back on the ground trying to put all the pieces back together. At which level are people most fulfilling to interview? Definitely at the start. I love it when they’re wide-eyed and easy to please. "You mean that beer in the dressing room is all for us?!" – as opposed to "Is that the only type of Champagne you have?" Hahahaha yeh! And when has-beens are gagging to be interviewed and can fit you into their 'hectic interview schedule' at a moment's notice, I bet you think back to the days when you were trying to get an audience with them and they were too big to even reply to your requests for a story, and you think 'yeh, up yours, matey'.

When you're interviewing someone who you know is talking a pile of poo, how does it make you feel, as a journalist of integrity, that they might be using your skills and resources to further their own bullshit machine? Well, you have to interrupt them and let them know they’ve been rumbled. It doesn’t always go down too well, but you owe it to the readers. Oh yes indeed!

What are the ten albums that you have played most in your life? Just ten?! ‘Hello’ and ‘Live!’ by Status Quo, The Sweet’s ‘Sweet Fanny Adams’, Iron Maiden’s ‘Number Of The Beast’, UFO’s ‘Obsession’, ‘Seconds Out’ by Genesis, Motörhead’s ‘Overkill’, ‘Highway To Hell’ by AC/DC, Deep Purple’s ‘Machine Head’ and just about anything by Judas Priest. Let’s go for ‘Stained Class’, or the live ‘Unleashed In The East’. ‘Blackout’ by the Scorpions, Uriah Heep’s ‘Abominog’ or ‘Head First’… that’s more than ten, I know, but numeracy was never my strong point. Hah. I know a maths lecturer who's got the same problem!

What are the five albums that you're playing most at the moment?

UFO’s ‘You Are Here’, Tesla’s ‘Into The Now’, Heart’s new one ‘Jupiters Darling’, ‘Sonic Firestorm’ by Dragonforce and excellent re-issues of the first two Kansas albums, ‘Kansas’ and ‘Song For America’.

What UFO album do you consider to be THE ONE? That’s tough. The first one that I bought was ‘No Place To Run’, which seems to be loved and loathed in equal amounts. I enjoyed it a lot at the time, despite the George Martin production. The next one, ‘The Wild, The Willing & The Innocent’, is seriously underrated. A great, great album, with Tonka Chapman really at his best on the guitar. But you still can’t beat the classic Schenker-era albums ‘Lights Out’, ‘Phenomenon’ and ‘Obsession’. Exquisite - not a note out of bloody place.

Do you have a particular song (by any artist) that is your 'special song' out of the 1000s of songs in your collection? The live version of ‘4500 Times’ by Status Quo. Still guaranteed to get me leaping about like a loon all these years later.

What about being in a band yourself? Is that a secret fantasy? Sadly, I’ve never been in a band, or played an instrument. Probably left it wa-a-a-ay too late now. But do you still stand on your bed every evening and do the whole air-guitar thangggg with the light on and your bedroom curtains wide open? As a kid, I was utterly obsessed with Status Quo. Learned every riff, every lyric and song intro to their band’s ‘Live’ album. I had a Slazenger tennis racket that in my mind became a very green Telecaster – Francis Rossi’s choice of axe! – and I even used a dog lead as guitar strap.... that way I could conduct audience clapalongs without having to put the darned thing down. Sad. Sad, maybe, but looking at this photo of you at that age, not entirely surprising....

OK, on to a different subject... In a world that is becoming increasingly passive about its entertainment, where the most active thing some people will do is sit in front of a screen and zap through 3694760850568509 television channels, and also where people feel short-changed if a live performance doesn't sound note-for-note like the recording, your passion for rock’n’roll, and the way you use that passion to promote the music you're passionate about, is what made me want to interview you. What more do you think can be done to motivate people into getting up off their arses and doing their bit to keep music alive. I myself get so exasperated when I see messages on music messageboards saying 'I've been a fan of (insert band name here) for 27 years and their latest album came out last month - does anyone know where I can download it to save the ten quid it would cost me on a one-click-easy-shopping-trolley-system like Amazon where I haven't even got to put my coat on and walk up the road to buy it?' Aaaarggghhhh!!! I think it’s a sad reflection of the times, but you can’t halt progress. I’ve never downloaded a song in my life, legally or otherwise. Good man - that's highly commendable! The money should go to the artist - I get soooo intense about that. Don't start me off! Mind you, I bet you get loads of freebies in your capacity as a reviewer, so I suppose you don't need to download anything anyway!

Some of our SITN readers already know about my ambition to get St. Andrew Lard Wobble round to my house, get him drunk (he'd have to be drunk. Come to think of it, so would I!) and get him to agree to make a musical about the life and times of UFO. We already have a working title - Spandex Ballet - and we have a provisional list of thespians we'd like to be in it. Madonna would, of course, play the part of Battttttty (although she'd have to have some acting lessons first) and we also have a few ideas on whom we would like to play the part of the Spandex Bullet himself, Mr Pete Way. If you were casting this musical, who would be your choice to play Pete, Phil, Michael etc? The only man insane enough to carry off the Schenker role with any real conviction would be David ‘Lizard King’ Icke. Not sure how good his German accent is, though. Pete would have to be played by Oliver Reed. Now that Phil Mogg is off the booze, we’d need someone with a deadly sarcastic wit to portray him – how about a young Eddie Murphy, face buffed up with a bit of flour and water? Excellent!!! And who would play Dave Ling? Tobey Maguire. He’s got the specs and the pecs (ahem). If Tobey then wanted me to make a cameo in Spiderman 3, I’d lend him some of my legendary super-sticky mucous to use as web fluid, in case he runs out again like in the new movie. Did I really just say that?! You did.... yes... But we'll pretend you didn't! Would this musical have a happy ending? Or would the actors walk off-stage half way through the first act, hahaha. No, the red mist would probably descend with David Icke attacking the rhythm guitarist/keyboard player with a metal chair even before they left the dressing room. The shortest film since Blaze Bayley’s last vocal instruction DVD. Hehehe. Sorry, Blaze.

Hey, here's a question I've asked a few people already but I'd like your professional opinion too - are there any bands that you think have milked the rocknroll cash-cow for far too long and should call it a day? And, what is your opinion of bands reforming with a replacement for their front man, such as Lizzy without Lynott, Queen without Freddie, the Wurzels without Adge Cutler etc? Hehehe, the Wurzels minus Würzel was probably the worst one of those. But I get your drift. Blackfoot are now together without guitarist/vocalist/songwriter Rickey Medlocke, which is a little like the Michael Schenker Group hitting the road without a certain crazed German. It’s easy to point the finger and accuse bands of cashing in, but the thing everybody seems to overlook is that musos have to make a living like everybody else.

What is your opinion of the way the HEAVY METAL KIDS have re-formed, without actually 'replacing' Gary, but with Danny taking over the vocals as well as still playing the keys? They’re living, breathing and swigging proof that it can be done. They’ve made a great record and on the two occasions I’ve seen them live they’ve delivered the goods in no uncertain terms. Both times the audience was way, way smaller than everybody had hoped. They deserve to make another album, but whether or not logistics will allow them to do so must remain to be seen at this stage. I certainly hope they manage it.

Who is on your to-do list of people you want to interview (apart from Me and Jimmy Page, of course). Not even Jimmy Page really - cos if I could do you, Batttttty, that would be the absolute peak of my career, and I could retire totally happy and completely fulfilled. You certainly could, Dave!

What are your ambitions as a journalist? It’s a boring answer, I know, but just to keep on doing this for as long as possible. Maybe further down the line a book on UFO? There are so many classic stories to tell – whether the guilty would own up to their antics or even be able to remember them would of course be quite another matter. Aint that the truth! Which other journalists do you admire? Anyone who’s able to make a living from it. Fortunately, most of them work at Classic Rock these days – how about that for a shameless plug?! Classic Rock, you say? Yes - Classic Rock! Good old Classic Rock! (There, that should do it - your contract safely renewed for another year!)

So... what's next for Dave Ling? A haircut? Bog off, that’s tantamount to blasphemy! How about a website, maybe?! Funny you should mention that... Here's one I prepared earlier...

Hey, one more thing I need to ask. Blond...? When? And why? And, from your own experience, is it true they have more fun? I don’t dye it, honest. Ginger from the Wildhearts recently asked me to settle a bet between him and CJ ..... had I intentionally abandoned the brotherhood of copper-tops and gone blond? No, it’s the onset of greydom. Put it down to the stress of supporting Crystal Palace for 30 years. Blimey darlin, it's a miracle you've got any hair left at all!

Anything else you want to tell the world about, now's your chance - do it! Malcolm Dome and Jerry Ewing are lovers, but they keep it very discreet* (see below, for a comment from Malcolm on this scurrilous rumour). Oh, and Pete Way really supports B*****gham C**y (sorry, Pete!). Hahaha - many thanks for taking the time to share all this with us, Dave - it's been..... thrilLing!

© Batttttty - July 2004

All photos are copyright of the people and places I've borrowed them from. Thanks!